A dream realised: carbon tax perfection
One of the reasons I went into politics, aside from a desire to be able to have as many new staplers as I wanted, was to deliver a truly world-changing piece of legislation. It’s taken a number of years but that’s just what I’ve delivered today. Nothing has made me prouder in my years in Parliament than seeing Julia, Wayne and Greg start to implement my work in such a comprehensive way.
Like any landmark announcement, there’s such a swathe of initiatives that some of the smaller ones can be overlooked. Here’s a snapshot of some that you won’t hear on tonight’s news:
Business Toasted Sandwich Pooling Scheme: large businesses able to reduce the amount of sandwich toasters used across their operation will receive a rebate for each sandwich toaster removed. With some simple rostering and pooling arrangements, all staff can still toast their sandwiches whilst reducing carbon emissions. Companies able to demonstrate a simultaneous reduction in use of ham on sandwiches will receive a 12% increase in the rebate.
Burnout Reduction Regulations: nothing personally shits me more than bogans doing burnouts in their cars. Aside from the pollution caused and excess fuel burned, burnouts bring to the forefront of public perception that Australia still has a cohort of Australians that believe in cigarettes stashed under the flannelette shirt sleeve, the right to expect car parades with topless checkout chicks and a firm passion for the lighting of farts. Electric cars and scooters will be exempt from this regulation.
Fast Food Drive-Through Prevention Strategy: we’ve done modelling that shows that 3% of total small vehicle emissions come from idiots too lazy to get out of their car and go into Fish Milkshake World to buy their crap for the day. Closing down the drive-throughs isn’t feasible. Instead we’ll be installing an Australian Tax Office worker at the entrance to each drive-through, with a compulsory spot audit required prior to placing an order. If you want your Lard Nuggets handed to you direct through your car window, then just have your last seven years of tax returns and receipts in the glove box.
Cross-Stitching and Irrelevant Lace-Making Transition Authority: a small government authority of less than 500 public servants will be established to look at the amount of carbon emissions generated by old ladies continuing to insist on doing cross-stitching or doily construction. Wool production is a necessary part of our national output but not for the sake of pointless needlework that generates nothing more than stock for future generations of Op Shops.
One last word on Abbott and his fellow climate sceptics. Your no-policy, small-target strategy is now more terminal than Richard Wilkins’ career. Once people (aside from bogans, non-community minded toasted sandwich consumers, lazy lard guzzlers and doily addicts) realise that our proposals aren’t going to be the end of the world, questions will quite rightly be asked of the Opposition on why they blocked progress for so long.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing the Libs squirm – except for the approaching milestone of my 500th stapler.
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