Perspectives on Life: Parliamentary Negotiations

Before I commence an in-depth look at a very meaty topic, I wanted to thank all of you who have provided such glowing and accurate feedback on the value of these ‘Perspectives on Life’. I have to admit I’ve been a little surprised at how positive the feedback has been, given the usual dictum that 97% of the electorate couldn’t give a rat’s arse about politics and the other three percent are nutbags, sociopaths and political staffers (with most senior staffers covering all three descriptions). It shows that my reluctant tendency to provide substantive transparency into the workings of government is resonating in a big way. I can probably only take 95% of the credit though: our education policies are obviously kicking in, meaning there’s more of you dragging your eyes and knuckes away from Today Tonight and That’s Life magazine to get involved in some public debate. Well done.

Speaking of knuckle-draggers, the past few weeks have seen Parliament in a bit of a frenzy around the carbon tax, immigration and the NBN to name just three issues. It’s again highlighted the delicate nature of the current parliament – although even with a big majority things can still get very heated. The media as always have a lot to answer for. They tend to focus on Question Time and selected leaks from those with a grievance and then tout it as the full story. I’ve lost count of the number of times my leaks have been ignored by journalists who’ve decided an angle on a story and don’t want it complicated by the truth.

To illustrate this more comprehensively, I’m going to take the issue of the carbon tax. It’s one close to my heart for obvious reasons as it’s primary architect, but it also has a great deal of nuance unreported by the media. I’m going to illustrate it in a way that most of you will understand: as a TV script. Think CSI Miami with a dash of Dancing with the Stars and Little Britain. The only difference is that all details are factual and most characters can dance better than half of the arseclowns on Dancing with the Stars (you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Julie Bishop and Stephen Conroy do the Lambada). The below descriptions are based on the factual accounts of moles we have in the Opposition’s ranks and the happily provided, unvarnished accounts of my own staff.

SCENE: LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION’S OFFICE – PARLIAMENT HOUSE CANBERRA – 19TH JULY 2010

It is two days after the announcement of the 2010 Election. The room is tense. Lots of half empty coffee cups, rolled up sleeves and unused self-flagellation inventory. Tony Abbott sits behind his desk with a stricken look on his face. Standing in front of him is the Shadow Environment Minister, Greg Hunt. Assorted advisers stand at the back of the room.

Abbott: (rubbing his temple with one hand) So we’re going with a direct action approach?

Hunt: (shrugs his shoulders) Apparently. It’s seen as a way for us to have a stance without selling out the country to do it.

Abbott: Didn’t you do some study in this area?

Hunt: Yeah sorta. It was a bit different though, as it was funded by a Government research grant. I felt the need to skew it to policy priorities of the time. At least now with the research funding coming from Fortescue and Rio Tinto, I’m confident we can take a more objective view and come up with something that will actually work.

Abbott: Ok – so how does the direct action thing work?

Hunt: Pretty simple really – we put shitloads of carbon dioxide underground so it makes more room for oxygen above ground.

Abbott: Isn’t Carbon Dioxide a gas though? I remember Superman once made diamonds from squeezing carbon between his hands – is that the sort of carbon you mean?

Hunt: (looks to adviser for confirmation – adviser hesitantly nods) It’s a bit like that yeah – it shuts the carbon away so it doesn’t effect the atmosphere.

Abbott: Can you make diamonds out of it? Imagine delivering a budget where you introduced a Diamond Tax Benefit A.

Hunt: (looks to adviser for confirmation – adviser shakes head) Unfortunately no. We’re not all Superman (laughs).

Abbott: I still often wonder how Superman and Lois Lane made love you know. Ok, so we know this approach will work and won’t cost too much? We need to take the lead on the debate by showing we take this stuff seriously, without breaking the bank.

Hunt: Yeah the researchers say direct action works. Once the titanium holding tanks are constructed and placed underground, the carbon dioxide is collected by trucks and pumped into the tanks. It also has the advantage of promoting rural jobs as we’ll locate the tanks in remote areas due to their size.

Abbott: (starting to look more optimistic) Ok good, that sounds like a policy. We just need to be careful during the campaign as your opposite number is probably the most incisive policy-maker the ALP have had in decades. The rumour is Combet will be given the gig after the election, so that will make things a bit easier, but in the meantime keep me in the loop and I can step into the debate if things get heated in the media.

Hunt: No problems.

DEPARTMENT OF CLIMATE CHANGE AND ENERGY EFFICIENCY – CANBERRA – 20TH JULY 2010

A very busy Minister’s office. There is an air of efficiency and organisation. The Minister is convening a staff meeting to discuss tactics for the election campaign. It is obvious the staff present are aware of being part of history and the need to step up to the mark to be able to match the intellectual weight of the Minister. 

Minister: (leaning forward in her chair) Ok let’s get this started. I’ve got the documents from the National Secretariat on the overall campaign strategy, so let’s start confirming our approach over the next few weeks.

Minion 1: (standing) I believe we need to go in strong with our commitment to deliver a carbon trading scheme that leads the world.

There is silence until the Minister laughs loudly, with those present then joining in.

Minister: Thanks for that little bit of light relief but let’s focus on the task at hand. (Minion 1 starts to sit down but the Minister indicates he is to stay standing) The fact is we’re running on a platform of no implementation of a carbon scheme until at least 2012. I know that irks some of you – I feel the pain as the architect of the best scheme every devised. The reality is however,  that the Australian public aren’t with us on the issue at present. Our Government has never been poll-driven but the stark reality of a tight election forces some serious decisions. Do we want to lose Government and kill off a decent scheme for a decade or do we get pragmatic and get ourselves elected so we can convince the window-lickers in the electorate we’re right after the election?

Minion 2: (standing) Well my view would be….

Minister: (interrupting) Um, that was a rhetorical question: we’ll be going with the latter option. Julia has the raw charisma to be able to turn public opinion around after the election. Winning will totally legitimise her as PM and polling shows she’s loved by the public a little like Princess Diana was.

Minion 2: (still standing) I think little is the operative word there.

There are gasps from amongst the staffers. The Minister just nods once and Minion 2 turns and leaves the room, never to be seen again.

 

A CORRIDOR IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES WING – PARLIAMENT HOUSE CANBERRA – 21st JULY 2010

The Minister and the Shadow Minister Greg Hunt are walking down a corridor toward each other .

Greg Hunt: Dipshit

Minister: (raises middle finger) If I want to hear shit, I’ll fart.

———-

See the difference to the media portrayal? There’s two large differences. First, you see the rigourous debate that can occur behind the scenes before a policy is announced. Second, there tends to be a media-driven perception of politicians being partisan and unwilling to work together for the common good. It’s a terribly stereotypical and watered down perception that doesn’t reflect the actuality that we hate each other with a passion. Passion that gets shit done. Just ask Senator Bushby.