Balancing priorities

Sorry it’s been a while since I blogged, but in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re trying to get the CPRS through again (the same CPRS Barack Obama is coming to admire next month). More on that some other time – what I wanted to illuminate you on is the regular and competing pressures between ministerial work and Party communications.

I spent a lot of time this week negotiating with the Greens on the CPRS legislation. Negotiating with the Greens is a little like striking up a conversation with the old lady on the park bench who has an ice-cream container on her head to ward off magpies: you know it’s going to involve gibbering nonsense but for the sake of politeness it needs to be done.

Whilst Christine Milne is on a 35-minute exposition of how hot-air balloons could be used to transport coal (I believe the idea originally came from Garrett), I receive an email from the ALP National Secretariat. Quite rightly they’re doing final strategy preparations for the next election, and they’ve asked each Minister for their perspective on issues likely to benefit the ALP in the lead-up to the campaign proper. The problem is they’ve given a deadline of 24 hours for the feedback, and that’s the rub of it all. How does one govern for Australia effectively, when huge tracts of time are sucked up by mad bints elected to the Senate on 0.6% of the vote on one hand, whilst head office gives you a day to help determine the whole election strategy on the other. And that’s without the usual workload of policy development, parliamentary sittings, briefings, departmental meetings, Cabinet meetings, Caucus meetings, staff hazings, lunches with journos and so on.

It certainly illustrates the mettle required for Ministerial life in 2010, but it also makes one wonder how sustainable the current model is.

For the record, I provided my top 5 issues to ALP HQ, that I believe will assist the Rudd Government during 2010 and throughout the election campaign:

1. Barnaby Joyce as Shadow Treasurer
2. Tony Abbott’s appeal to female voters and metrosexuals
3. Barnaby Joyce as member of Shadow Cabinet
4. Tony Abbott’s climate change policy
5. Barnaby Joyce in general

It’s going to be a challenging year – just the way I like it.

My predictions for the coming year

One advantage of being a Minister of the Crown is the access to a broad range of information and advice that puts one in a unique position of having the tools to make some informed predictions. Therefore, my predictions are outlined below, based on said information.

I’d like to thank Nigel, Nola, Miles, Roger, Cathy and Stephen and their staff at the Australian Parliamentary Library for their logistical support to me in putting together these predictions:

1. The 2010 Australian of the Year will be Tony Abbott

Some will see this as a cynical political move, but it’s far from it. If John Farnham and Paul Hogan can get the award, then why not Tony? Any neutralisation of his political attacks that may eventuate will only be media hype and not exploited by this government.

2. Matt Preston will be deported to the UK

Aside from the fact that Cravats make any sane male want to vomit in their mouth, Matt Preston is the most overexposed phenomenon since Cold Chisel (a note here to Terence in Fremantle – you can continue to write your letter per week to Peter Garrett but Khe Sanh will NEVER be our national anthem). The United Kingdom has wall-to-wall fat bastards with bad dress sense and he’ll do fine guest hosting the original ‘Ready Steady Cook’. And who could honestly say they’d be disappointed in a Preston / Ramsay mud-wrestling challenge screened on ITV?

3.  Construction will commence on the Cairns to Adelaide water pipeline

I have to disclose some inside knowledge on this one. I’ve been working with the Queensland and South Australian State Governments since 2007 on this project. Bill Heffernan will be Project Manager, with an estimated completion date of March 2013, coinciding with Bill’s 70th birthday. Legislation is being drawn up to allow pensioners living in Queensland (96.5% of their population according to the ABS) to be co-opted into the Pipeline National Workforce.  It solves the aging population, water shortages and national infrastructure investment issues in one fell swoop. Any political adviser able to find a hole in this initiative should contact me for assessment to be my Chief of Staff.

4. Bert Newton will be the next Governor General

Quentin’s not working out – she regularly gets mistaken for June Ackland from The Bill. That’s not the sort of ‘Guv we need. Bert is classy, funny and totally clueless and thus would make a great G-G.

5. Three referendum questions will be put at the next Federal Election

A. Do you support fixed eight-year terms for an elected goverment if an Opposition changes leaders more than twice in two years? YES/NO

B. Do you support a ban on rock musicians entering parliament unless committing to full adherence to the policy platform outlined in their lyrics? YES/NO

C. Do you support a yearly event whereby the Australian Cricket team shall stand in the middle of the MCG and have any aggrieved member of the Australian public throw cricket balls at them until contrition for arrogance / unsportsmanlike conduct / poor form has been shown? YES/NO

6. Climate Change will worsen

Let’s just say that 2010 will see the first ever Henley-on-Todd Regatta held in 4 meters of raging torrent. For the tin-foil hat brigade who are still holding discussion groups on the 2012 Film: that movie was a piece of pap designed to soften up the masses for a reality much worse than a movie could show. That said, be assured that any catastrophes coming up aren’t so cruel as to let John Cusack continue to make movies.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

That’s all of the predictions I can share with you at this stage. There are a handful of others that fall under Cabinet secrecy or national security considerations. What I can say is the Government is more than aware of the movement to make mullets fashionable again and will leave no stone unturned in formulating a policy response.

Photo courtesy of Epistemysics

My full Copenhagen (COP15) diary

The left-loving hippies at New Matilda have kindly published my story on the recent shitfight at Copenhagen.

It all seems like a bad Contiki holiday in retrospect, but the diary is still worth a read for its insight into the stupidity of most of the delegates.

Plus, I’ve donated the payment for the diary to the Smith Family Learning for Life Program. Besides it making me a great person, it also reduces the chance of my house being turned over by a future juvenile delinquent. A win-win.

A merry Festivus to my constituents, acolytes and followers more broadly.

More from Copenhagen

I’ve had a dozen or two delegates over here ask me why I haven’t updated this blog since arriving in Copenhagen. The obvious answer is I’ve been busier than a fluffer in Fyshwick. The other reason is I’ve been asked by a leading online news service to provide a ‘Copenhagen Diary’, for publication on my return from saving the world.

I’ll post here when it’s published, but suffice it to say, it’ll be the closest most of you will get to seeing real power being wielded. Plus, I get paid by them to write, which I’m using to donate to charity to further stake my claim as the most worthy decision-maker of my generation.

Suggestions from the plebs: Copenhagen Innovation

One of my staffers told me that Twitter is meant to be a two-way interaction, so I thought I’d ask for suggestions from the mass of humanity that makes up my followers.
My appeal: “I think our negotiating strategy needs more flare – any suggestions for innovative suggestions to capture Copenhagen delegates’ passion?”

The responses:

Nick Hodge: “Describe Australia’s proposed ETS / CPRS in Lego”

Psychicenergies.com: “set up an ice cream stall outside…”

Adam Sherwood: “Keeping yourself out of the public eye would be a start” (this is so obviously Sophie Mirabella’s more feminine psuedonym)

plutopup7: “try wearing your green credentials on your sleeve more, ie, use your cuffs instead of your hanky.” (a snot double-entendre – nice)

the bogan tweeter: “re passion @ Hopenhagen call on the spirit Mother Nature to bring all her children to bear and worship the Global Karma”  (I’ll be kind and say this is innocent tergiversation or florid but harmless nutbaggery)

Yellow Pinkie: “Yes – dress flamboyantly in pink with OTT hat, make an grand entrance (e.g., with 3 white Borzois on leash), show some cleavage.”

SC: “Set fire to a few of them. That will draw attention to things I would suspect.”

Forestry TaS: “Why not stick armed guards at every exit & tell them if they don’t come up with a decent plan B4 midnight they’ll all be shot.” (I’m a member of the ALP, not The Greens)

Cack: “Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers might have an impact.” (Like most women around Australia in the past week, I vomited in my mouth a little at the thought of this)

After Day 2 of COP15 AKA arseclownery by committee, I think SC’s suggestion of napalm baths may be the way forward. Please provide any further policy suggestions in the comments. All suggestions are read by someone somewhere, and you never know, some may be commandeered without attribution for the betterment of Australia.

Detail on my substance: an interview

I’ve had a few hundred readers say they’d love to see an interview with me, something that gives some insight on how I tick. It’s a bit of a ridiculous request given how busy I am at the moment, but intrinsic to my persona is a desire to be of service to the public.

Therefore, I’ve spent part of the past few days being interviewed. For spontaneity I’ve provided one of my staffers with a list of acceptable questions I’m happy to be asked, but I’ve given him the option of shuffling the order.

Due to my lukewarm interest in providing transparency, you can also ask your own interview questions in the comments below. I believe making oneself available for scrutiny can only help the perception of being interested.

The interview:

Staffer: Thanks for taking the time to do this

Senator: No problems – is my coffee nearly ready?

Staffer: You’re holding it in your hands. Ok, to the first question. Did you always want to be a politician?

Senator: No, not at all. I knew I wanted to do something that made a difference to people. At school I was a prefect and did a lot of ad hoc student mentoring. It made me realise the great work one can do advising those who don’t have a broader world view.

I first got to know the union movement after I sued a teacher for making too may factual errors in my History class. I hadn’t realised the power the unions held until that time: they certainly made me realise it would be hard to do my exams with broken legs. That was the eye-opener for me: forceful negotiation can bring great change. That was when I started getting active in politics.

Staffer: What’s a normal work day for you?

Senator: Well, it depends on whether parliament is sitting or not. I’m always up early, around 5am.  I do my charity work at a local homeless shelter for an hour or so. I then read the papers, have some breakfast (muesli, skim milk and three squares of Cadbury Snack chocolate) and then have a staff meeting to plan the day’s strategy.

At 7.30am I do any media interviews then usually a 15-30 minute teleconference with my biographer, Gore Vidal. The rest of the daylight hours tend to be an endless shit-fight of meetings, arguments, arguments in meetings, pre-meeting strategy sessions, arguments in pre-meeting strategy sessions, phone calls, arguments on the phone, catch-ups with Peter Garrett, baiting Peter Garrett in those catch-ups and general arguments with my staff.

If Parliament is sitting, I spend 90 minutes or so rehearsing responses to Questions Without Notice – our ALP Keyword Reference Manual comes in handy here. It covers key phrases from “At the end of the day” through to “Just let me make this point” and “We’re not out of the woods yet”. If I’m stuck on a plane or at an airport, I tend to read policy briefings, phone colleagues to debrief on arguments I’ve had, or play Bejeweled on my phone.

The one time of day I try to keep free is 6-7pm, which is when I do yoga, or if there’s a lane available, ten-pin bowling. Either of those activities give me the mental down-time I need to recharge for the rest of the day’s work. Then it’s dinner with selected staff, more meetings and a short catch-up or teleconference with Kevin for him to sign off my Ministerial Daily Work Sheet – every Minister has one of these and it’s a great way to ensure one has been productive. Then it’s home to do more reading of departmental minutes, policy advice and SA ALP emails. It’s not unusual that time of night for me to have one or two mentoring sessions with some up and comers. Some are already parliamentarians, like Bill Shorten, others tend to be those marked for future key roles, such as Bernard Fanning and Cate Blanchett.

Staffer: What do you do to relax – do you have any hobbies?

Senator: I used to feel guilty about having down-time, until I read that everyone from Winston Churchill to Don Dunstan had hobbies they were passionate about outside of work. I usually try to squeeze in some ‘me-time’ for at least 30 minutes a month. I usually use that time to play with one of my Scalextric sets. I’ve currently got the Digital PRO GT set on order which I’m pretty excited about. I’m also a big music fan, so I spend some time listening to music.

Staffer: That leads nicely to the next question: if you were stuck on a desert island, what five albums would you take with you?

Senator: Hmm that’s a hard one. I recently bought a bunch of music online as some of my cassettes were getting a little worn out, so I’ll list them with links for people to listen to:

1. The Jesus and Mary Chain: Darklands (a regular to read policy briefings by)

2. Shooting Party: Let’s Hang On (for when I want to relax)

3. Bauhaus: Mask (This plays in my parliamentary office most days, my staff say they love it)

4. The Wurzels: I Want To Be An Eddie Stobart Driver (a recommendation by Kevin many years ago, it’s great fun)

5. Painters and Dockers: Love Planet (‘Die Yuppie Die’ is one of my favourite songs of all time but unfortunately isn’t on this album)

Staffer: And what about books?

Senator: That’s an even harder question to answer. I just don’t get time to read for leisure anymore, although some of Peter Garrett’s policy proposals can entertain me for days. Here’s five books, with links to Amazon.com (to avoid the parallel import restrictions) that have inspired me at different times:

1. Do Androids Sleep with Electric Sheep?: monochrom’s Arse Elektronika Anthology (It’s all about the future, and that’s what drives me)

2. Freckles (A teenage favourite of mine)

3. Dying Inside (It’s about confronting middle-age, something most of my colleagues have had to do)

4. Deterring Democracy (Noam Chomsky makes Barry Jones’ writing seem like Kaz Cooke’s, but I like how he bags the shit out of George Bush the 1st, way before it was fashionable)

5. Slot Car Racing: Tips, Tricks, & Track Plans (My constant reference source and it’s surprisingly useful for Caucus meeting strategy as well)

Staffer: Which members of your party have impressed you the most over the years?

Senator: The ones that have supported me with no questions asked. And Bob Ellis, because he’s proved you can be an overbearing, pompous drunk and still be endearing.

Staffer: Your most embarrassing moment?

Senator: I thought Cubbie Station was a rural child care centre in NSW. Turns out it’s in Queensland.

Staffer: Your proudest moment?

Senator: Being sworn in as a Minister of the Crown for Australia’s most important issue at present, knowing I had full backing of the Prime Minister and more importantly, my supporters in the party. An added bonus was being able to hear Christoper Pyne’s teeth grinding on the other side of Canberra.

Staffer: When you leave parliament, what do you want your legacy to be?

Senator: To have set in motion a range of pre-implementation initiatives that set a framework for future evolution of an active carbon reduction paradigm that is debated throughly prior to enabling legislation being drafted for extensive community consultation. Power is about doing things that matter and the Rudd Government is talking that talk every single day. I also want to be the most admired Minister on Twitter.

Staffer: Thanks again for your time and for employing me.

Senator: No problems. The usual for lunch please.

Why the CPRS is right for Australia

The CPRS I’ve developed to frame Australia’s role in tackling global warming, is one of my proudest achievements. My pride’s not about the policy rigour, although my staff made sure there was plenty of that in there. It’s because of the fact it has annoyed the hell out of the Greens and associated hangers-on of odourous repute, whilst shitting parts of the mining lobby to tears. It’s what’s called a no-win situation and that’s just the way it should be with something as world-changing as this legislation. Here’s why:

1. Bob Brown should never be happy

The day any policy I implement is endorsed by Bob Brown, is the day I get dragged into one of Parliament’s frigid courtyards and beaten to death with Simon Crean’s hairpiece wrapped round a cricket bat. I could announce a target to reduce Australia’s emissions to 400% less than 1870 levels by 2011 and Bob, in his best watermelon gravitas, would claim it’s a poor compromise by a government trying to please the polluters. I’m actually understating this to a large extent. Until you’ve spent three or four minutes with him like I have, you can’t understand just what a nutbag he is. If he was younger I’d be now convinced he’s the love-child of John Coulter and Bob Ellis.

2. Real miners aren’t whiners

The mining industry bosses are far from happy with the CPRS, because they believe it will impact their bottom line. The unions are worried about jobs. Of course, I’ve fixed all that through some very modest and well-targeted compensation strategies. There are, however, still some vocal critics, mostly Liberal plants. Most people are unaware that the mining unions are full of Liberal moles. Julie Bishop was a miner, as was Christopher Pyne and Sophie Mirabella. They still retain some clout within the union movement, and I’ve quashed a few attempts by them trying to get stooges into winnable ALP preselection contests. I see a key part of my role as protecting real workers and although Christopher Pyne in particular had some amazing productivity results when he was down the pit, it’s just not right Liberals being miners. It’d be like Mark Latham being given a diplomatic post – there are some fundamental societal rules that shouldn’t be broken.

Overall, what I’m getting at is that real miners have accepted that they’re as safe as eco-friendly houses and aren’t complaining, so the policy settings must be spot on.

3. Farmers: dealt out of the equation

The conga line of arseclowns in the media got excited about the agreement on the exemption of agriculture from the CPRS. Bob Brown of course jumped on the issue like a maggot on a dog shit as well. The thing is, the exemption of agriculture isn’t a big thing. Even with my intense efforts at saving the world’s environment, the reality is 80% of the country will be in permanent drought from here on in. The other 20% will be flooded three quarters of the year, so there aren’t going to be many farting cows if they’re baked skeletons or drowned carcasses. Pretty bloody basic science.

So there you have it. Hopefully this guided discussion has helped you understand why Malcolm Turnbull has felt as redundant as a Salvos clothing bin in his electorate of Wentworth: the weight of logic for the CPRS is overwhelming.

(Photo courtesy of my close friends at news.com.au)

NSW ALP woes: Nathan has the answer

I’m told that people get frustrated at the internal shit-fights that go on within both the ALP and Liberal Party. I can understand that, and the only consolation I can give you is that they frustrate those of us within the party that see ourselves as being above grubby factional fighting. Which is one of the reasons I like NSW Premier Nathan Rees.

I’ve known Nathan for years and remember first meeting him in Canberra. He was still a lowly staffer to then Health Minister Morris Iemma, the 21st Century’s Barrie Unsworth (but with significantly less ability). It was clear to me then as now, that Nathan’s a no-shit go-getter. He may have a face like a bashed crab and the charisma of Wilson Tuckey in a nightclub, but he’s got what it take to save NSW. His strategy is well underway with his move over the weekend to have control over selection of Ministers.

For those not in the know, the NSW ALP is like an Amway convention, just with more fists and threats. Everyone’s competing for the impossible prize and most are willing to sell whatever it takes to get there. Nathan, like myself, is different. He can see through a scam a mile off, hence his desire to have a new Ministry based on merit. The trouble is, he’s a bit like Ricky Ponting only having the New Zealand cricket team to select from, with nine of them having active swine flu.

This isn’t going to stop Nathan however – with assistance from key Federal ALP colleagues, we have some serious strategies underway to ensure we win the 2011 election in NSW. I can’t divulge too much more except to say that it involves a fishwife pincer movement with Bronwyn Bishop and Lee Rhiannon.

Winning is about making people believe the bread tastes worse than the filling in a sandwich of the faecal variety. Watch this space.

Postscript: As a proud South Australian I apologise for spending so much time discussing NSW politics. It’s one of those situations where my solid experience and ability to mentor leaders means I’ve had some involvement. Both Nathan and Anna in Queensland have leant on me heavily the past few months, but things are looking up now don’t you think?

Photo courtesy of here

The time has come: expanding your illumination

In my two years of being a  Minister, one of the most rewarding things has been the overwhelming level of positive feedback for the work I do. Although justified, it’s still something I treasure. Twitter has been a revelation for my followers, who get a unique insight into the personal and professional challenges of holding an incredibly demanding portfolio at a time of massive change.

Added to that are the constant demands from ALP hacks friends at head office, inane requests from constituents (in my case as a Senator this means all South Australians, except people from Booborowie – it’s a long story) and constant requests to provide hope and inspiration around the world.

Therefore, you may be starting to realise what a fascinating prism through which you’re viewing a part of the world that you’d not otherwise get a glimpse of. The best way for me to serve you in this way is through periodic elaborations of a particular policy challenge or political conflict. My writing skills allow me the luxury of painting a scene that ensures your interest each time, with my political skills contributing the policy outcomes for your praise. Additionally, the nature of a blog means these posts can easily be collated by my staff into a best-selling book if they are well received, and a publisher makes an offer of a quantum that reflects their desire to have the parallel imports regime lifted.

I look forward to providing you with a well-guided discussion on the world-changing work I’m involved with. Think of it not as a conversation, but an illumination on what you could aspire to.